Fierce Conversations, Part II
In the last issue of Coaching Link, we examined
the fact that doing business is essentially an extended series
of conversations. We also talked about the fact that ongoing
business success is dependent upon the ability to regularly
engage in conversations that are robust, thought provoking
and passionate. These are what we refer to as fierce conversations.
This concept is so elegantly simple, yet so very critical,
that we are devoting a series of three newsletters to the
concept.
This is the second of three articles on the subject of fierce
conversations and in this issue, we focus on listening. Why
it is so important, why few of us are consistently effective
listeners and what can be done to improve listening skills.
We also address the use of silence which is one of the most
powerful, yet underutilized tools for effective conversation.
Are you listening?
As humans on this planet, we all have a basic need to feel
understood. In order to feel understood, we need to feel heard.
We need to know that the person we are talking to has put
their own thoughts and agenda aside so they can give us their
full attention. If this doesn’t happen, it doesn’t
matter who’s right, who’s smarter or who has a
better solution. Without truly listening, it’s virtually
impossible to reach a positive outcome to a fierce conversation.
Who hasn’t had the experience of having a frustrating
conversation? One where we felt like the other person wasn’t
really listening. Where you could tell they were just waiting
for their chance to speak. How productive are those conversations?
Not very. When one party doesn’t feel heard the conversation
breaks down and both parties leave frustrated.
In order to really listen, we must be fully present. What
are you doing when engaged in conversation? When you’re
on the phone are you also typing away at your keyboard? When
having a conversation, it is not time to be multi-tasking.
Check in with yourself. Are you thinking about what you’re
going to say next? What you’re going to have for lunch?
So often, our brain takes a break while in the middle of a
conversation. And when we allow this to happen, we undermine
our ability to connect through listening.
When we do not give the other party our 100% attention, we
essentially tell them they are not important to us. We will
also miss many subtle cues that tell us what’s going
on beneath the surface. Ultimately we lose the chance to have
a fierce conversation.
If listening is so important, why is it so hard?
Many people think they are good listeners, when more often
that not, they’re just good talkers. Instead of tuning
in fully to the person across from them, people spend their
time sharing knowledge, offering tips or solutions and providing
feedback. The result is that one of the two people in the
conversation feels talked to rather than listened to.
One reason why listening is so difficult can be traced back
to basic brain science. On average, our mind processes between
600 and 1000 words per minute. Yet, most people speak at the
rate of about 125 words per minute. This leaves quite a gap
in speaking speed versus processing speed. This gap is a temptation
to tune out. We could call this mouth speed versus mind speed.
So what happens in the act of listening, or trying to listen,
is that the brain starts multi-tasking, and can go on a number
of its own little detours before coming back to the person
that is speaking. So that by the time the other person finishes
their thoughts, we’ve taken a mini-vacation!
Tips for Listening
- Listening does not equal agreeing.
Active listening requires you put your agenda aside for
as long it takes to be sure you understand the other person’s
position. The more complex the issue, the longer it takes.
When we listen instead of talking we can start to feel like
we’re implying that we agree and are tempted to start
defending our position. Resist the temptation! Just because
you are listening to their words, emotions and body language,
it doesn’t mean you are agreeing with their position.
- Questions only. Questions
are much more effective than answers in provoking learning.
Many of us are eager to show what we know, to demonstrate
our value. So as soon as someone says, “This is my
issue,” we leap in with suggestions, stories about
our experience, quotes from the latest journals without
noticing that the other person’s eyes have glazed
over. And you should only ask questions to which you do
not know the answer. Otherwise it’s not a question,
it’s a manipulation.
- How do you listen when you know you’re
going to be tested? Under those circumstances,
you listen with more intention and focus than usual. Make
it a point to repeat back to the other person what you hear
them saying. It can feel odd at first but it serves two
purposes. First, it challenges you to listen more carefully
than usual. Secondly, it demonstrates your understanding
of their point.
- Check your assumptions about motive.
When we assume that each party wants a positive outcome,
we are better at listening. When we start to get frustrated
with each other, it’s easy to ascribe a negative emotion
to the other person. It can help to check in and remind
yourself that each party is trying to create the best outcome.
If you’re not confident that each party is striving
for the best outcome, you have more important things to
talk about!
- Listen for the needs and values behind
the words. What does your companion need that they
might not be getting? Is it validation, support, or a safe
place to vent? What do they value? Is it excellence, harmony,
achievement or adventure? When you clue into needs and values,
you ask better questions, identify unnamed issues and ultimately
dig deeper into what really matters.
- The conversation hasn’t
ended just because the conversation has ended.
Fierce conversation will often leave us with points to ponder
and emotions to sort out. It can often help the ongoing
dialogue move forward if you schedule a follow up conversation.
Make room for silence.
Fierce conversations make room for silence. The more emotionally
loaded the issue, the more important silence becomes. Silence
enables us each to reflect on our thoughts and achieve new
levels of insight and integration. Silence can often be the
turning point in a conversation. It also creates space for
everyone in the room to offer their opinion.
Silence is an underutilized tool. It often makes us feel
uncomfortable. Many of us unconsciously think we have to fill
silences and that something is wrong if no one is talking.
The following are indications that silence might move the
conversation forward:
- If you find yourself interrupting by talking over
someone else.
- Thinking of what you’re going to say when someone
is talking.
- Knee jerk reactions where you respond without
thinking first.
- When you find yourself “demonstrating your expertise”
because you feel insecure.
- Offering advice before the other person has had a
chance to fully explain the situation.
- When you’re doing most of the talking.
- When you create a distraction by changing topics.
- Saying the same thing over and over again.
When used incorrectly, silence can be dangerous too. Silence
can be passive aggressive or result in disengaging from the
conversation. It can be used to avoid topics that are uncomfortable
or ones we’d rather not look at. If you question whether
or not silence is productive, take a look at your feelings
and motives. If you find yourself pulling away or observe
your companion pulling away, say so and get the conversation
back on track.
Although there are at least two people in a conversation,
it only takes one person who chooses to actively listen and
make room for silence to have a fierce conversation. This
opportunity works in your favor because YOU can be that person.
In the coming weeks, try something different, stay present,
listen closely, ask questions and make room for silence. You
will be amazed at the outcome.
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from Amazon.com.