Fierce Conversations, Part I
A recent conversation with a leadership coaching client I'll
call "Bob" began with him expressing extreme frustration with
a key manager reporting to him. Bob thought the manager wasn't
owning his role in a certain critical issue. He believed
the manager was pointing fingers, assigning blame and creating
stressful and unproductive distractions within the senior
team. Bob was considering firing the manager, but was reluctant
to start over with someone new.
I asked Bob if he had discussed his frustration with the
manager. He danced around the question and after a couple
of different approaches on my part, he shared that perhaps
he hadn’t been as clear and direct with the manager
as he could have been. I observed that it sounded like he
wanted to have a conversation with this manager. Bob agreed
that he needed to talk with the manager but had been avoiding
it because he knew it would be difficult and he thought the
manager should be able to perform without his intervention.
The ensuing coaching conversation resulted in Bob approaching
the manager and conducting a healthy dialogue and feedback
session where the roles, expectations and needs of both parties
were expressed and clarified. They were able to have this
conversation with out tempers getting heated or a host of
other potential pitfalls. Essentially, what I asked Bob to
do was to have a fierce conversation with his manager.
At its essence, “doing business” is essentially
an extended series of conversations, and I believe that success
is dependent upon a person's ability to regularly engage in
productive and meaningful dialogue. Susan Scott, author of "Fierce Conversations,"
captures this concept beautifully in her book. This one of
the first books I recommend to my coaching client’s
who are looking to have more productive conversations.
Over the next three issues of Coaching Link I will be offering
key concepts from Ms. Scott’s book, blended with my
own experience in coaching leaders. I hope these articles
give you the tools and courage to have fierce conversations.
What Is a Fierce Conversation?
The word "fierce" is defined in the dictionary
as “marked by extreme and violent energy.” Many
people assume that a fierce conversation is one in which you
confront someone head on with what they are doing wrong, that
it often involves an accusatory or criticizing tone and that
it will lead to negativity and bruised egos.
Rarely is anyone specifically taught how to handle conflict.
We are socialized to play nice, not be rude and not to hurt
other people’s feelings. On the other hand, we are encouraged
to stand up for ourselves and not let anyone “push us
around.” We also tend to unconsciously assume that when
we have a difference of opinions, someone has to be right
and someone has to be wrong. We get lots of messages about
the ends of the spectrum but rarely are we taught how to play
nice and stand up for ourselves at the same time!
This is essentially the goal of a fierce conversation.
The word "fierce" also has the following synonyms:
robust, strong, powerful, passionate. In order to be truly
“fierce,” we need to be centered, clear about
our position, what our purpose is and what needs to be done.
To have a fierce conversation, we need to open ourselves to
others' opinions, try not to let our egos take over, and focus
our energy on coming to a new level of understanding about
the problem. We are then able to come to an understanding
of the reality of the situation, provoke learning in ourselves
and others, tackle challenges that need to be addressed and
ultimately, enrich relationships. A fierce conversation is
not between adversaries trying to prove their position is
the right one, but between colleagues looking at the issue
together, striving for a higher level of understanding.
Ground Truth
In order to address a problem, you have to accurately name
it first. Thus the first goal of a fierce conversation is
to accurately describe what Susan Scott labels “ground
truth.” Ground truth is what’s really happening
in the trenches of day to day business life. Ground truth
is often different than the official party line. Ground truth
separates gossip and speculation from the reality of the situation.
Regardless of their official title, people who are adept
at getting to ground truth are seen as leaders. They can accurately
label the reality of a situation while cutting through hyperbole,
gossip and speculation. Because they are able to separate
fact from fiction, they make smart decisions. They tend to
be less defensive and are able to be a calming influence in
uncertain times.
You get to ground truth by interrogating reality. In the
process of interrogating reality, you closely examine all
assumptions to determine whether or not they are valid. In
Bob’s case, he didn’t realize that he assumed
the manager was trying to create tension in the team. Once
he identified that he was making an assumption, he was able
to brain storm some questions to ask the manager to test the
validity of his assumption. He was also able to approach the
conversation with a neutral, “let’s figure it
out together” tone instead of a judgmental one. This
change in perspective put the manager at ease and enabled
them to have positive discussion.
To be able to effectively interrogate reality, we have to
acknowledge that everyone has their own unique perspective
and that each perspective is valid. If we tell ourselves or
others, “they don’t know what they’re talking
about because…” we are very likely to miss important
information. There have been many times when someone who “doesn’t
know what they’re talking about” offers insights
that those of us on the inside couldn’t see. Make room
at the table for all opinions and you will not only get new
information, you will increase buy-in for the solution you
identify.
Mineral Rights
A fierce conversation is more of an art than a science. It
does not have a formula or set linear process. I can’t
give you a list of questions to ask or an outcome to expect.
During the course of the conversation you will be drawn to
explore certain lines of questioning and not others. You will
go deeper and spend more time on some areas than others. The
art of having a fierce conversation comes in knowing which
questions need to be asked and which ones can be left out
of the conversation.
Susan Scott calls the method behind a fierce conversation
"Mineral Rights". It became known as Mineral Rights
after a workshop participant made the observation, “If
you’re drilling for water, it’s better to drill
a one hundred-foot well than one hundred one foot wells.”
This observation sums up the primary criteria for deciding
which questions to ask in a fierce conversation. If the question
will help you drill deeper, ask it; if not, don’t ask
it. Interrogating reality and Mineral Rights are not mutually
exclusive, you cycle back and forth between the two, some
topics you will drill down on, and others not.
Interrogating reality is designed to clarify while Mineral
Rights is designed to take the conversation to a deeper level.
The questions asked during a Mineral Rights conversation help
interrogate reality in such a way that we are mobilized to
take potent action on tough challenges.
In my coaching session with Bob, we created a list of questions
for him to ask his manager. We specifically chose questions
that would increase their chances of a higher level of understanding.
Bob wanted to improve the likelihood that the manager would
take more responsibility for his actions and decide to engage
the team in a positive way. Here is a sampling of the questions
we came up with:
- What would you like to be doing more of?
- What is your measure of success?
- What is most frustrating to you about your current
role?
- What might you be doing that is getting in the way
of your success?
- What is your understanding of what the organization
expects of you?
- Do you feel you have the tools and resources to do
your job?
- What questions do you have for me?
- How can I best support you?
Creating this list of questions shifted Bob’s perspective
and opened up the possibility that there was more going on
than he understood. This shift created more fertile ground
upon which to have a fierce conversation. Since that initial
conversation, Bob and his manager have continued their pattern
of frequent and fierce dialogue. The result is that the manager
is taking ownership of his role, is creating less tension
within the senior team, and is more fully contributing to
the success of the organization.
In our next issue, we will discuss specific actions you can
take in a fierce conversation and how you can positively influence
the outcome.
Home Work
Think about a conversation you know you need to have but are
avoiding.
- What is preventing you from having this conversation?
- What has to shift for you to approach this conversation
in the spirit of partnership?
- What assumptions are you making?
- If you were in the other person’s shoes, how would
you see this situation?
- What would you like the outcome to be?
- If this situation were settled, what would be different?
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